Childhood Experiences and the Role of Expectations

Book Review (Miller, 1979)
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Book Review
The psychoanalytical perspective has long been the attraction of research for childhood development and stages of maturation. In the book 'The Drama of a Gifted Child', Miller (1979) emphasizes the importance of childhood interactions, attachments and personality building with the primary focus on parenting. The book revolves around the importance of parent-child interactions and how it leaves a mark on the child's mind. This relationship not only defines the childhood memories of an individual but is carried long into adolescence and adulthood. Reading the three thought-provoking chapters of the book has led to the understanding of some critical points, all of which are discussed below.
Childhood Experiences and the Role of Expectations
Many adults view childhood as a stress-free period full of entertainment and recreation. While this might be true for some, many children are bombarded with familial expectations, parent's anticipation and societal norms changing their care and hassle-free moments into an ongoing competition. Parents view their child as their source of gratification setting standards which have to be followed, and the child complies with those ideals to receive appreciation.
Children of perfectionist parents meet with 'do or die' situations where non-compliance can lead to loss of love, approval and admiration from their parents. Miller's (1979) stance on this kind of parental attitude is that they have been a victim of such parenting and relationships, making them insecure and authoritative. Though the parents can hide these intentions and emotions from their children, they are still unconsciously continuing the vicious cycle. When a child becomes bound to obey his father, he is indeed suppressing his desires, wishes and wants, which gives him outer satisfaction but inner anxiety. This discrepancy takes him away from his ideal self. Thus, children with strict parenting, in result, start to suppress their desires in order to satisfy the psychological needs of his parents.
The Connection between Repressed Emotions and Adult Relationships
Many modern theories and therapeutic interventions now agree that childhood memories can indeed play a vital role in determining attachment styles, personality patterns and nature of behaviors in every human being. Even if these thoughts and memories are embedded deep inside the unconscious and subconscious, they may surface later in life or continue to unravel themselves through unconscious behaviors, e.g. dreams. Sexual fantasies or offenses have been increasingly associated with abandonment, rejection or abuse during childhood. For instance, Miller (1979) relates her case of Peter with the same theory. Peter displayed an array of sexual offenses, but when confronted through questioning, it was indeed revealed that he had experienced a distant and detached relationship with his mother in his early years.
Similarly, drug abuse and dependence has also been associated with strict parenting or uncongenial parent-child relationships. In her book, Miller (1979) mentions that the connection of their present behavior to childhood memories may not be apparent or formed quickly, but its presence can be vividly seen. For instance, a child trying to communicate with a narcissistically deprived mother will find no solace who herself never received any comfort or support from anyone. It has also been repeatedly seen that children who were witnesses of physical abuse or domestic violence between their parents grow up to do the same, thus confirming Miller's assumption that childhood repressed memories may regulate adult behavior later in life.
The Transfer of Perfectionism
The next factor Miller (1979) discusses, is the recognition and discovery of one's true self. Childhood interactions shape the self in both positive and negative ways. For instance, a child who has received reassurance, praises, confidence and trust may also develop self-confidence, faith and certainty during his tasks. On the contrary, a child who has been continuously told, 'You cannot pull this off!' or 'If you are not amongst high achievers, you are nothing!' or 'You have to give an outstanding performance to be praised' may be left with the concept of conditioned reinforcement. School grades or performance extraordinarily in sports may be the quantifying crisis of childhood for such children.
The if/then situations and obsessions with perfect standards can cling to the person, shaping his behaviors in the same way. Later these behaviors can be the acquisition of a perfect body, being at 99th percentile in achievements, getting the ideal job or being successful in all areas of life. These expectations from self can lea...