Creating a Memoir: Re-visioning Oneself

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Final Memoir: Just Show Up
By the field
It is a warm summer afternoon, and I decided to get some shade from the scorching sun by the nearby gazebo. I placed my backpack on the seat beside me and wiped the sweat off my brows and neck. I got my jug filled with cold water from my bag and started to relax a bit. It’s been an exhausting week, and I now realize that university education is really no joke. The shade and cool water really bring relief from the harsh weather. Scanning the surroundings, I see many students, each one busy with their own set of schedules and to-do lists, and it is a stark comparison against the green of the background, which is very calming to the eye. It is genuinely a different view from my usual set of printed pages on books and a lot of blue light from desktops, laptops, and mobile phones, making my head hurt these days. I caught myself looking across the field, and I see that a lot was going on. Track and field athletes are sprinting swiftly, and some are going over hurdles as if those actions are standard, everyday human movements. I already felt myself have an adductor strain from just imagining myself going over those series of hurdles. A couple of guys were also on the far end of the field who were practicing their pitches and trying to perfect their stances. Everyone looks so focused on what they are doing, and it started to feel like I’m an outsider looking in.
Since it was already the second semester, I thought that I have already fully adjusted to life as an IT university student. This was a dream of mine, but how come it feels weird? How come something feels off? I think about my classes, and I feel the pressure building inside of me. I was also socializing with other students, which I thought was something I would have mastered now, but it sometimes still feels like a struggle. I think about the errands that I used to not bother with when I was at home with my family, such as buying groceries, doing the laundry and the dishes, and even throwing out the garbage. But now, here I am, feeling trapped and lost with being an adult. I am living the dream! And I’m not sure why the dream feels like this. Feeling lost and confused, I remember feeling this kind of emotion once or twice, many years ago.
After school hobby
“Grandma! I’m home!” I shouted as I entered our gate and the main entrance to our house. I try to find my grandma. “Hmm. Grandma, where are you? I’m home already!” I try to find grandma. Maybe in the living room? Not here. Maybe in the garden? Not here either. Maybe in her rocking chair? Nope, no grandma over there. As I am dashing all over the house, I smell something delicious. Aha! She must be in… “Dear! I am over here.” I hear grandma’s tender and loving voice in the kitchen. She must be cooking something delicious again. Hmm… is that warm bread and corn? And I think some kind of stew also. I raced to the kitchen and gave grandma a tight hug. It feels terrific to hug grandma because she always smells like food, and she gives such warm cuddles. I rush to my room and hurriedly placed my bag and some books in my study area. Then I quickly went to grandma again.
I try helping out by setting the table and getting some utensils for both of us. This is my favorite part of the day because it is another finished day at school, and I get to enjoy grandma’s cooking here at home. Grandma starts inquiring about my day. This is a usual occurrence between us because she values education so much and wants to make sure that I know how blessed I am to have the opportunity. On most days, I tell her that it was okay and I did well on my Math subject to see her smiling face. But this time I think I want to tell her about school. Or maybe not? Because I don’t think I can put it into words. School just feels heavy. So, I just put on a big smile and get on with chomping and munching on my food. I see grandma with a questioning look in her eyes. It is a right kind of weird when they know precisely when something is going on. “Dear, is everything alright?” She also lovingly pats my back while telling me, “You know you can tell me anything, right?” Then suddenly, I start to feel my eyes well up, and my throat chokes a bit. Then I start to honestly tell her how school was.
I tell grandma about feeling behind in my classes. I tell her that Greg, my friend, started not talking to me all of a sudden. Lunchtime is also horrible because many kids are together, and I have a hard time approaching them. I did not get to shoot the ball or even hold the ball in physical education because many bigger boys were also playing. I also try to make new friends, but I feel sad and scared when I remember what happened with my other friend Greg. He sits with another group of guys during lunch and does not even look at me. I feel alone. I hate school!
Grandma hushed and hugged me tight while I was bawling my eyes out. This is a relief after a long time of holding it in. “I could not imagine how sad you felt, especially with losing a friend.” And although those words did not mean that everything will be okay in a snap, it actually felt like it did. It felt good to say those things out loud. Grandma just held me for a long time. I’m not sure if it was a few minutes or a few hours, but the sun already set, and I hear other family members arrive at our house. When I already calmed down, grandma’s eyes lit up, and she said, “I have an idea!” Then she told me that she’d be packing extra sandwiches and sweets to share with my new friends. She also reminded me to smile because it will be the most important thing. The food was just extra, and she winked.
Finding the spark
“Aaaaahhhh! Fire fire! Hot! Ouch!” I shouted as huge flames rose from the pan while I was trying to cook breakfast. Okay, I believe I need more practice and a lot of help from grandma, but this is not for me.
Bam! It was the sound that my forehead made when it hit the wooden table in the school library. My friend Jake and Ali both chuckled, looking at me funny and pointing the drool I had on my face. I tried reading books because few of my classmates were into literature, especially Ali. But I just don’t find the same enthusiasm when I try to open a book and read it. Well, I could read books, but mostly it’s for school work and requirements.
Sometimes I envy the people who have their own thing. It somehow defines them and gives more meaning. But I have yet to find that thing for myself. So not cooking, nor reading, also tried painting, basketball, music, and many more. This is becoming a struggle, and everyone already has their own thing. Jake has his theater; Ali has her literature and book club. And me, I don’t know.
I’m watching television, and I watch the sports channel. It does not interest me that much because I have already tried many sports and athletic activities, but it was just an okay experience for me. But to be honest, it is fun when you do it with friends. The news comes up about the famous Cristiano Ronaldo. His name is quite familiar, especially lately. He’s all over the news and is a talk of the sports community. This reminds me of the soccer team recruitment poster that I saw at school. Maybe I can try it out?
My palms felt sweaty, and my feet felt heavy, as if my rubber shoes were suddenly made out of steel. I signed up the day after watching Ronaldo, and here I am in the tryouts for the soccer team. I was asked if I ever played soccer before, and the team chuckled a bit when I said, “Only some introduction for our physical education class.” We are all lined up, and I see big guys ahead of me looking buff and strong. Each one was asked to handle the ball, then try to defe...