Unhitched

The book UNHITCHED by Judith Stacey was published in 2011 by NY: New York University Press. The book talks about family relationships and parenthood with a critical look at the gay men. Judith Stacey is a Professor of Social and Cultural Analysis and Sociology at New York University and so the book is written with utmost authority due to her background. She spent ten years doing her research and this is reflected in the way she brings out her thoughts and facts. Through this book, she has done well in enlightening the society that they could be wrong on perspectives surrounding family life. She demystifies these theories using case studies and interviews from her research. She puts forward the argument that marriage and nuclear family is not the only form of family structure and that children do not necessarily have to grow up with both parents, turning out normal and good as those brought up in this kind of family structure. She observes that in this modern world, everybody is trying to love, be loved and find their place in the family. She has shed light on unconventional families and described their wider political and cultural contexts. Many governments and conservative groups put pressure on the society to have certain forms of relationships and argue that science supports their claims and it is what is good for them, their families and the society as a whole. She argues that a government should be sensitive to all citizens and should not favor any type of intimacy or family life (Stacey, 2011). The definition of family continues to change overtime from the simple father, mother and children to where there are same sex marriages and children adopted or born into these marriages. This book is based on real research into the lives of the gay couple’s intimacies and parenting in America to marriage and relationships in South Africa and china. In the Unhitched, Stacey talks about three different cultures i.e. the gay relationships in Los Angeles, the less liberal and polygamous South Africa, as well as, the West China’s Mosuo culture. She describes these cultures with the aid of numerous case-studies and interviews. In the first section of the book, she talks about gays living in Los Angeles. It tells the story of numerous people who have made a family structure that suits them from scratch (Stacey, 2011). One interesting case of such family structure is that of Kevin, Tom and Scott. Kevin is Matt’s brother in law who is also gay and lives with his partner Robert. Kevin and Tom had formed a domestic-sexual trio by adding Scott into their relationship and family and marriage. Scott was twelve years younger than the couple and they had met him when they were having an open relationship. Their sexual relationship had undergone various stages and they had decided to have an open relationship (Stacey 23). In their open relationship, they allowed each other “occasional serendipitous” recreational sexual encounters and also to occasionally go cruising jointly for a sexual threesome (Stacey, 23). The men had come up with a written up agreement on how to conduct their relationship in order for them to remain harmonious. Kevin and Tom who jointly owned property would transfer five percent ownership to Scott on every anniversary to celebrate Scott joining the union. This would eventually make him an equal partner. There are gay spouses that allow each other to have other relationships under written rules, and there are also lesbian –gay spouses who share their children’s custody without a romantic relationship. Other couples have contracts that clearly state each partners’ rights and responsibilities but this, Stacey explains is not a marriage contract but a way of communicating one’s needs. She provides an example of this contract in the appendix. This is illustrated in Kevin’s, Tom’s and Scott’s relationship. We see that although Kevin and Tom had an open relationship, they agreed to be sexually exclusive when Scott became a part of their marriage “duogamous,” one might say (Stacey, 24). They had also agreed that they would all be involved in sex together without excluding anyone but no one would be forced into doing what they did not want. Stacey explores how as a society we have come of age in regard to gay relationships. Years ago, it was unthinkable and unimaginable that there could be gay fathers in the society, but it has all come to pass. It seemed impossible to have gay or lesbian weddings in the nineteen eighties and even the gay and lesbian community never thought they would be given such rights (Stacey, 14). Today, they have become part of the modern family and cannot be ignored or wished away. Same sex marriage is often a taboo to discuss in many societies but the author has taken on the responsibility of discussing it and bringing it out. Parenthood, like intimacy has become more dynamic. Ways to parenthood no longer appear so natural or uniform and it is not also an obligation as people make choices. Children are no longer viewed as a future reliable source of family labor or social security. The economic and social responsibilities that come with bringing up children is become a strain on some people and they choose not to be parents. It is now wholly an emotional matter (Stacey, 52). The politics of the day also interfere with parenthood with policies that guide how health care should be administered. Stacey notes that gay fatherhood represents “planned parenthood” in extremis (Stacey, 52). It is always deliberate and often difficult, and it offers fertile ground for understanding why and how people do and do not choose to become parents today. Due to their physiology and the political environments in our societies, it is not easy for gay men have access to the many means of reproduction available (Stacey, 54). On the other hand, lesbians and heterosexuals have it easy. They encounter a range of challenging, risky, uncertain options where they have to choose to adopt from foster homes, international adoption, hire volunteers as surrogates, or have arrangements with female friends, or relatives where they can donate sperms (Stacey, 54). In other cases, they result to being in heterosexual relationships just to fulfill their desire as parents. This is where most couples later separate and agree on how to share parental responsibility. Most draft visitation rights and support. She has interviewed several gay couples and individuals on their views on parenthood. Her statistics show that she interviewed 95 gay men in Los Angeles. While others expressed their view that they would not regret not becoming parents, she has generalized these views as to show that gay men do not regret foregoing parenthood (Stacey, 80). These numbers however are rather small to be used to come to this conclusion and therefore misleading. The interviews show that there are couples who are willing to adopt to complete their families while other...