Book Report: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

A book report (Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers)
Name: Patrick T. Smith
Course: PSYC 221-B09
Professor Name: Jane Abernathy
(February, 2013)
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Gordon Neufeld and Gabor offers a book that is not only challenging and thought provoking but that makes one read, reread, reflect, and most likely debate with anyone who is ready to listen. The book is not easy to read due to its dense writing, thick research and references to Nietzsche. The authors concern message to the audience is what it takes for parents to ensure attachment, attention, and love between then and their children is mentioned as they grow (Neufeld & Mate, 2011). The need for care and providence for a child does not end at weaning or when the child starts to go to school, but rather changes and requires equal responsiveness from parents.
Gordon Neufeld a PHD holder and an international authority on child development joins hand with Gabor Mate a well recognized author to bring out this disturbing trend in our times: children today increasingly look to their peers for direction—their values, identity, and codes of behavior. This trend had undermined the responsibility of parents on children leading to family disunity, healthy problems, and a hostile and sexualized youth culture (Neufeld & Mate, 2011). It has created a cry for the youth hence they can be regard as ‘endangered species’.
The book, “Hold on to your kids” which is available in both Canadian and US editions gives different ways parents can use to regain their lost glory among their sons and daughters. They includes establishment of proper hierarchy in their homes, ensuring kids feels secure and understood, and reengineering to gain back the children loyalty and love and others (Neufeld & Mate, 2011). Through reawakening of the parent’s instincts, the book acts a source of treasure for parents to act the way nature intended and be there for their kids- being true source of contact, security and warmth.
Dr. Neufeld is not a Jew although two of his children have Jewish names, Tamara and Shay, but his theory is relevant to how children are retained within the Jewish community. It does not matter whether you agree to his fundamental theory or not but he brings out truth in the issues he raises and therefore he cannot be ignored.
His subtitle of the books is “Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers”. According to him things have changed rapid in the world such that psychologist and educators have started appreciating abnormal behavior and regarding them as normal. He refers to these behaviors as “peer attachment.” Due some of the modern way of operating such as the baby-boom, two-parent working families, break up, mobility, pressure, and know-how, among other things the family structure we knew before have been weakened. He notes that the norms in the earlier generation on parents ability to care for their children has been compromised, the extended family and the neighborhood could took over the responsibility and ensure all goes well. Today, this is no more and people haw became capitalist in all things (Neufeld & Mate, 2011).
Neufeld and his associate in the authorship of this book, Gabor Mate, expound the theory of attachment. The initiator of the attachment theory Bowlby investigated on how small kids bonded with their mother and went further to analyze what happens when the bond is disconnected (Neufeld & Mate, 2011). He went further to note that the kids reacted with different defense mechanisms, when they were separated or reunited with the mothers. It is important to note that attachment is relevant in adolescence as it is to infants. According to these authors the same way ducklings attach themselves to a substitute mother duck when their ‘mother’ is unavailable to them; children usually look for an alternative when they lack care and concern from their parents
As the situation is today, children have attached themselves to their peers as opposed to their parents because mostly they spend a lot of their time either in day cares, schools, and camps with their age mates. Neufeld views this situation as an ‘extramarital affair’. However, the difference is that a dishonest spouse will look for ways to ensure his/her deals are not known to the partner but the children will always do the opposite; openly reject their parents. This is because all their emotions are fully consumed by the peer’s attachment. The peers become a priority over the parent’s request.
According these authors a lot of energy has been focused on the techniques that parents can use to regain cooperation of their children but this missed the point. The truth is when children are fully attached to their parents they will naturally want to be like them and follow their request/instructions. On the other hand if they are not, no kind of stimuli (threats or rewards or consequences) will have an effect. The focus should be on building back the relationship and at the same time trimming the proposition gained by peer relationship before anything can change. The following points are vital to remember after reading this book:
Bulling is not a new thing to parents but the level of happening today is certain peer pressure is fuelling it. The Neufeld and Mate (2011) ...